Saturday, October 17, 2009

Choosing Your House

You're bored, you're broke, and you really want to break into a house. If you're heading out into the night with no real destination, you've already fucked up. Picking a house takes time, unless you enjoy being caught. And how do you pick the right house, you ask? Why, I'm about to tell you!

1. Avoid black or hispanic neighborhoods. As a rule, these two cultures are brought up to fight, not roll over and play dead. Whites, particularly middle to upper class whites, are taught to hand the criminal whatever he wants, be it money, jewelery, or ass, without a fight. I know, it's how I was brought up. This brings me to the next rule.

2. Avoid shitty neighborhoods (if you follow #1 you should be good). Lower class people are typically more inclined to fight back than middle to upper class ones. A poor black momma will put you in the hospital, while a rich white man may just hand you the keys to his jag and beg you to not hurt his poodle. I'm exaggerating a bit, but the basic truth remains. People with little to lose will put a hurt on you if you attempt to fuck with what little they have to lose.

3. Always look for the easiest house. This may sound obvious, but too many would be burglars forget it when confronted with a house that looks like a treasure chest. For every house with a security system, bars on the windows, prickly foundation plantings, and double keyed deadbolts, there are 5 more with none of those things. Unless you're a seasoned pro who enjoys a challenge, find easier pickings. A house with lots of big windows, overgrown hedges and trees, and a nice big privacy fence around the back yard is what you want.

4. Look for homes with kids. A burglar's dream house is one with signs in the front yard advertising cheerleader and football player kids. Why? Because he knows that on game night, that house will be deserted for hours. In addition, kids mean things like computers, video gaming systems, and very likely an unlocked door or window somewhere. Also, homes with children nearly always have a big dumb dog, as opposed to a dog who might actually be a threat. If they do have small children and a pair of Pit Bulls, most likely they're white trash anyway and you shouldn't be there in the first place.

5. Look for an EMPTY HOUSE! I tell you to look for houses owned by a particular demopgraphic because the risk of bodily harm to you is lessened, but I only offer that advice because there is always a chance you'll fuck up and enter a house that someone is still in. A wise burglar will case his mark long enough to become aware of the traffic patterns, to ensure it's empty when he makes his move, but even then it can happen. However, there are plenty of boneheaded theives who don't even bother with that minor bit of planning, and in they go, right into a bunch of people. Unless you can run like a flaming assed cheetah, or you plan on escalating your criminal activities from home invasion to assault, kidnapping, and or murder, make sure the mark is deserted!

Disclaimer. The preceding is intended for "entertainment purposes" only. It is not intended to set you on your road to a life of crime. If you get busted for breaking into a house, don't even think you can use this article to get the judge off your ass. You know damn well it's illegal and wrong, so don't play the game if you're not willing to take the penalty.