Thursday, November 19, 2009

The Cardinal Sins of Crime

When setting upon the path that ain't so straight and narrow, there are a million things one must keep in mind in order to avoid capture. However, when it comes to deadly sins, there are but a few rules that should be carved in stone.

Stay Alert
By stay alert, I mean, stay off the shit. Don't commit crimes while drunk or high. It's not only stupid, it adds to the bust should you get caught. Taking a shot of Jack to settle your nerves is fine. Drinking half a keg before vandalizing someone's car is just fucking ignorant. You'll be sloppy and loud for starters, and should you puke all over the tires in the process, you've just left a bucketfull of DNA behind should the cops care to take it that far. (probably not, but you never know) As for toking up first, do you really need to add to your paranoia? Crack, coke, meth, etc will ramp you up too much to be of any use. You need to be alert and fairly calm, not climbing the fucking walls while picking at your zits. I know plenty of shit is done by tweakers, but those guys don't give a shit if they get caught. They're only looking to score. You, OTOH, would prefer to run amok without having disco lights flashing in your rear view. Right?

Tell No One
The only way two people can keep a secret is if one of them is dead. No matter how much your friend swears they'll take it to the grave, what they really mean is they'll take it to bed. Whoever they're sleeping with will be the next person to find out. Then that person will tell their best friend, who will tell whoever he's banging, and before you know it, it's all over town.

This is just human nature. Assumming you've already screwed up and let those around you become wise to your little pasttime, you'll have two sorts of friends at this point; those who think you're bad shit and admire you for it, and those who think you're bad shit and are afraid of you. The latter may keep their mouth shut for fear of retribution, but they may also roll to the cops in hopes you'll wind up in jail far away from them. The former, however, is the worst. Proud of your accomplishments, and even more proud they're hanging with you, they'll awe their own flunkies with tales of all the things "we" did. Never mind they weren't with you, they'll claim they were... until the cops come knocking. Do not doubt they will come knocking, because that sort of friend just can't shut up. Sooner or later, the story hits the wrong ears, and the cops will start taking a keen interest in you. Then they'll roll over on you faster than you can say narc.

Revenge Is Best Served Cold
Every time that Carrie Underwood song "Last Time He Cheats" plays, I have to laugh at that stupid bitch. Why the fuck would you carve your OWN name into his seat? Why not just leave a business card while you're at it? Better to carve the name of some other girl, at least it'd throw the po po off your scent for a bit.

Any crime you commit that is personal in nature, such as vandalism, arson, or assault, will immediately come back on you if the cops can find a strong motive for you to commit it. If you and your boyfriend have a massive blow out after you caught him getting a blow job from your best friend, and his house suddenly burns to the ground, guess who the cops will be visiting first? I don't care if half your friends swear you were at the movies that night with them, the cops will be convinced it was you... and some cops will make the case with or without the evidence.

If someone fucks you over so badly that you are determined to reap vengeance, wait at least a year. I can hear you now. WTF a fucking year?? Yep, a year. Reason being, most people will have long moved on after that much time has passed, and more than likely your victim will have made new enemies since you. I have delivered some pretty painful smackdowns several years after having no contact, and not once did I hear any mention of my name as a possibility for the hand that dealt. Just another unsolved crime. A bonus is that after that much time has passed, you probably won't even care any more. Rather than crying and cursing while you scheme, you'll find the whole thing hilarious and it will make you that much more twisted in your revenge. Plus, you'll be clear eyed about it enough to pay attention to detail and not make stupid mistakes.

Nothing To See, Move Along
If you watch any crime shows at all, you should be familiar with the tendancy of criminals to revisit the scenes of their crimes. Make no mistake, this is not just some hoohaw used by writers and directors to help bust the bad guys. People who do bad things tend to want to relive the moment. Maybe it's to reconnect with the rush they got at the time, or maybe it's just to convince themselves they really did it. Maybe you'll want to see just how pissed off the victim is. Whatever the reason, don't. Your new motto is "Nothing to see folks, move along", and for crip's sake don't be one of those stupid fucks who goes to the cops trying to offer assistance in hopes of feeling important and finding out what the cops know. You might as well wear a shirt that says "I'm Stupid and I Did It" while you're at it. Cops know damn well that the most gung ho individual in the search party is usually the one who whacked the kid.

See how easy it is?